Fun

I'm not terribly happy with that last post.

The responses I've received were more in line with what I expected from the earlier draft that I wrote the night after the sit in, which was a bit more down on things. Imagine the response I would have gotten if I had posted that instead!

I had tried to end the post on a somewhat positive note, thinking about what I could or should do to get back into things, so the responses have been a little bit of a surprise.

More than anything, his whole thing is supposed to be fun. These last two times I've sat in with this band were not fun. It's obvious why the first one wasn't, though the second one could have been me. I've recently truly learned the meaning when people say, "90% is your attitude." It may even be more than that. I really believe that we live in the world we create as individuals. It's very possible that things could be or are fine with these guys for the most part, but you get what you expect, and since I feel like there's a vibe that they don't think that I'm even a capable player, I'm fighting with myself to overcome that and just play and have fun. It's an issue of baggage. Just like when you have a relationship with someone, it's too easy to fall into old bad habits and expectations built up over time. Have you ever seen a broken-up couple launch into each other because of a completely innocent comment by one that the other took the wrong way because of the old expectations they still had?

What happened with this band is a little disappointing, because this was a convenient situation to sit in, and frankly, I was hoping this might lead to more opportunities to play with them as well as others. Not everything works out as you hope. You do your best, and if it doesn't happen, you move along.

I realized this morning that I was basing my feelings on very little, playing with one band that didn't go well musically. Meanwhile, I've had other positive musical experiences. Why do people base things on the latest event? (I feel like this band even did that. I sat in two times that seemed fine. Then one time goes badly, and suddenly I can't play. Okay, maybe the band did that and so did I! Hmmm.)

As one reply I received to the last post reminded me, sometimes, playing with others just doesn't gel. All you can do is move on and play with someone else. That's what I'm looking to do now. I'm hoping that the other opportunities, particularly the other bandleader that asked me to sit in, work out a bit better. Stylistically and perhaps opportunity-wise, that one is somewhat similar to the one that didn't go well. However, for various reasons, I think I might "gel" better with this bandleader. Even if that's only my own perception, it's my universe so it should work for me….

Meanwhile, I am enjoying practicing at home. I'm not a patient person (I try), but I've made some progress lately. I'm nowhere near where I'd like to be, but what musician is? The quest never ends, and you have to enjoy the ride, because there is no final destination.

I've also let the songwriting and working on the demos slip again. I need to work on that. I made some good progress on Kathy's song, but I still need to do a bit more on it.

Who said anything about stopping? Why stop in the pursuit of fun?

Wed, 2009 08 12 at 5:00 PM |Permalink for this entry

An Update

So much for that idea

I went back and sat in with "that" band again last night. It didn't go as well as I hoped. When I went up there, the band leader asked me what I wanted to play or if I had worked on anything, I blurted "a blues in G." I really meant to say any key would be fine, but because I had success in G at a previous sit-in, I guess that was on my mind.

I know the reason he asked was because of what happened previously. When he talked to me that time during the break, he said something about having something to play, a specific song. So that's what he was getting at.

He threw me several solos during that first tune. For the second song, he asked the bass player if he had something. The bass player turned to me and asked if I was comfortable in C. Once again, I'm sure they asked because of the previous time. (That has to be the silliest question to ask a keyboard player. The key of C is the key on keyboards. It is all the white notes and the key in which every keyboard player starts learning. While some may say they are more comfortable in other keys, anyone who can't handle C at a blues jam is just weird.)

In both songs, I felt myself stumbling at certain points sometimes during my solos, not being as fluid as I would have liked. I still need to listen to the recording to hear how it actually sounded. I also got lost a couple times in the changes in both songs. I'm not sure why. I walked away feeling a bit rusty, probably from not having played with anyone for so long.

After the second song, the band leader called the regular keyboard player back up. Usually I've gotten three songs, but the first one was on the long side. I'm not sure if that was why or if he wasn't entirely happy with how I was playing. I may never know.

After we got home and I wrote the first draft of this entry, I went into my studio and played some stuff on my piano, including a blues bass line that's been in my head for at least a few weeks. I played a few things that I've been working on at least pretty competently. This made me realize that I can at least do that. So what's up?

For a while, things were going great. It was exciting, and I felt like I could do a lot. I'm not saying I'm all that as a player, just that it was working and I felt like I could pull off just about anything. The high from that was really great. Now, I feel much more like I used to before all this, like maybe I can play some things, but playing with others has lost a bit of its magic. I wish I had people to jam with that I knew were at least okay with my playing, so I could build back my confidence. Maybe I need to get one or two other people over here to jam with Lori and I and really let loose, shake off the cobwebs, and feel like I can play with people again.

Tue, 2009 08 11 at 4:57 PM |Permalink for this entry

What’s Next

I've discussed this before, but I need to revisit this subject for my own benefit.

What's Next? asked the man.

For a bit of background, I should point out that I am or aspire to be both a songwriter and a performing musician. The two roles cross over and are intertwined, yet there are aspects of them that are separate. For instance, I can spend large parts of my days writing songs and working up demos of them. This involves little or no interaction with other musicians except any time I may decide to use one for a demo, such as having a singer sing on one. But this is about how much I want to gig, or play out.

If you've read my last post, I talked about the need to get out there and play. Thinking about that, the next question is, "how much?" The reason for asking this now is because it can be very easy to go too far, or try too hard to fill my time with gigs and possibly be disappointed. What I am discussing here is purely theoretical at this point.

I have a friend who is a professional keyboard player and he plays with a number of different bands. Since it is his living, he gigs nearly constantly, though he tells me it's not enough and he could do more. Sometimes, I think about how cool that would be, to hit the road for a couple or few weeks at a time, gig nearly every night, and just play with great musicians. (In fact, he plays with bands that are the same style as I love, so that makes the idea even more intriguing.)

On the other hand, I have a really great life right now. While I enjoy going places, I don't enjoy traveling very much (I'd much rather be there than get there, in other words). After a while, I often find myself missing the comforts of home, all my stuff, etc.

I also don't want to be out late, away from Lori, every night. She has a "square job," and can't stay out late on school nights. Unfortunately, her getting up and leaving in the morning usually also gets me up, putting me behind on sleep if I was up late the night before. I try to make up for that during the day, but that hasn't worked as well as I need.

Even though I've had no offers yet to play with any bands regularly because I haven't gotten myself out there (again, see previous post), I think it's worth having an idea of what my goal is so when offers do come, I know what I want to take on. At the same time, I'm not 100% sure what I want. I haven't gigged terribly much, so it's possible that I'll love it so much that I will want to do it every night, but it's also possible that I'll hate it and not want to do it at all.

The Answer is Very Simple

I need to try it and see.

Really. That is it. I have some ideas about how much gigging I want to do, but how much I end up actually doing, if it were completely up to me, I don't know. As I said, there is a part of me that thinks I would love to do tons of gigging. I had thought that the time in my life for that was passed. But, I have been thinking about it a lot lately, so maybe I'm more open to the idea than I was a few years ago.

Or maybe I'd be happy to just have a gig a week or so, enough to be regular, but not so much as to be out all the time. The only way for me to find out is to try, and to be cautious about how much I'm doing. Some of the concern I'm having is because I often don't realize how I feel about something until after it's over. To paraphrase Jerry Seinfeld, "take how much will kill me, and back it off just a little bit." The other side of this is who the gigs are with. I might be open to constant gigs with a blues band, but a country band, not so much. What I've written here is considering it from the point that the opportunities were with a band I wanted to play with a lot because of my interest in the music, not because they might make it big or they pay me a lot.

P.S. Bonus points if you know where the titles come from.

Mon, 2009 08 10 at 4:53 AM |Permalink for this entry

True Confessions

The story you are about to read is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. However, I still look stupid.

It’s time to lay this out. I think these things have been holding me back musically, as well as from writing new blog posts.

Fear and lack of self-confidence sucks. As a musician, I may be more “bipolar” (not really, but I’ll use that for lack of a better term) than I normally am. Geesh, some days I feel like I can do anything, others I’m overly concerned about every little thing. I had been riding a pretty good high after the Collective Hallucination gigs, and felt pretty good through the Blue Funk gigs at that time too. I didn’t do too much after the band broke up until I sat in a couple of times with a local blues band at a regular gig they have. That’s where the story gets interesting.

The first two times sitting in with them went fine (read: they didn’t tell me I was awful and please don’t come back). Some friends came for the second time and thought I did well, so I guess it wasn’t too bad. A couple of weeks or so later, they had a gig where instead of the regular guitarist, they had a more famous Houston guitar player. This gig was in a different venue on a different day.

After the first set, the keyboard player tells me to sit in after the break. I go up there, and they start playing. But, I did not know the key of the song. The bass player was right in front of me, I kept calling him but not yelling because I didn’t want to make it obvious on stage, but he never heard me. So I’m searching and searching for the key. Offstage, the keyboard player tells me he thinks it’s in E. It wasn’t! Then the famous guitar player throws me a solo. You should have seen the look on his face when I played what I did…

After the song, the bandleader comes over to me and goes, “I gotta get [keyboard player] back up here, we got [famous guitar player] up here and…” He seemed overly concerned about upsetting the guitar player, even though he doesn’t seem like the type. (In fact, I’ve talked to this guitar player at other shows and he seems like a nice, easygoing guy.) “Yeah, I understand,” I say. I didn’t exactly sulk off the stage, but it would not surprise me if anyone who was there said otherwise.

Needless to say, this incident was a bit of a blow. It’s funny that one setback can do so much damage despite plenty of other positive moments.

I’ve also recently discovered is that it’s so easy to do nothing when you don’t have anything “forcing” you to go out and play. When I had the band or the gigs with Collective Hallucination, of course I did those. But now, with neither band pushing me, the only motivation to go out and play is that. I know some people are really driven, and will say music is their life, they don’t know anything else, will play any chance they can, but I’m not quite like that. Music is a huge part of me, but for whatever reason I don’t have that drive to play all the time.

Since then, I’ve been talking to one band about playing with them, or perhaps recording keyboards on some tracks with them. Some days, I feel like that would be no problem, but there’s part of me that wonders about whether I can live up to what that bandleader is looking for.

I’ve had another bandleader invite me out to his regular gig and sit in, and his music is right up my alley and interests (the other band is “merely” very close; I can hear the kind of stuff I would play with them in my head and I would enjoy that gig as well). I think it would be a real treat, pleasure and honor to play with this band as well as a lot of fun. But there’s the rub. I want it too bad and that gets me nervous about making an impression.

I want to say for the record, that when I talk about fear or nervousness, it’s not a conscious thing. I’m not sitting at home shivering in a corner, or biting my nails going “oh my god oh my god oh my god whatamigonnado???” Instead it’s more subtle and surreptitious. The fear finds ways to keep me from going out, doing jams, presenting myself as an available musician, etc. It’s only when I stop and think about what I’m doing or not doing and wonder why that I realize what’s been happening. Whether or not I liked it, I had to write this blog entry, because I need to kick this thing in the butt and do more than I have been. It seems to me that part of the solution is admitting that I have a problem, and say it out loud. The other part is where I’m not as sure. The answer may be simple and right in front of me, the infamous, “just do it.” So for one, I’ve contacted the keyboard player in the band I had the incident with, and asked if it’s still okay if I come to one of their regular gigs and sit in again like the first two times. If not, no problem, but I think feeling like I can play with them and that they don’t have a problem with my playing would help immensely. I also do plan on sitting in with the other bandleader that invited me. I might have felt the way I do about that one without the incident, so I just have to suck it up and play. I’ve done it before. As far as the band that may want me for some tracks, I’m just waiting for them to set up a time.

Again, I’m not really afraid, it’s just a hump I have to get over and have done a lousy job of trying to so far. Now that I’ve told you, it’s embarrassing and stupid to not do anything about it. You are all looking at me saying, “what are you waiting for? Do it!”

Fri, 2009 08 07 at 2:06 PM |Permalink for this entry