True Confessions

The story you are about to read is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. However, I still look stupid.

It’s time to lay this out. I think these things have been holding me back musically, as well as from writing new blog posts.

Fear and lack of self-confidence sucks. As a musician, I may be more “bipolar” (not really, but I’ll use that for lack of a better term) than I normally am. Geesh, some days I feel like I can do anything, others I’m overly concerned about every little thing. I had been riding a pretty good high after the Collective Hallucination gigs, and felt pretty good through the Blue Funk gigs at that time too. I didn’t do too much after the band broke up until I sat in a couple of times with a local blues band at a regular gig they have. That’s where the story gets interesting.

The first two times sitting in with them went fine (read: they didn’t tell me I was awful and please don’t come back). Some friends came for the second time and thought I did well, so I guess it wasn’t too bad. A couple of weeks or so later, they had a gig where instead of the regular guitarist, they had a more famous Houston guitar player. This gig was in a different venue on a different day.

After the first set, the keyboard player tells me to sit in after the break. I go up there, and they start playing. But, I did not know the key of the song. The bass player was right in front of me, I kept calling him but not yelling because I didn’t want to make it obvious on stage, but he never heard me. So I’m searching and searching for the key. Offstage, the keyboard player tells me he thinks it’s in E. It wasn’t! Then the famous guitar player throws me a solo. You should have seen the look on his face when I played what I did…

After the song, the bandleader comes over to me and goes, “I gotta get [keyboard player] back up here, we got [famous guitar player] up here and…” He seemed overly concerned about upsetting the guitar player, even though he doesn’t seem like the type. (In fact, I’ve talked to this guitar player at other shows and he seems like a nice, easygoing guy.) “Yeah, I understand,” I say. I didn’t exactly sulk off the stage, but it would not surprise me if anyone who was there said otherwise.

Needless to say, this incident was a bit of a blow. It’s funny that one setback can do so much damage despite plenty of other positive moments.

I’ve also recently discovered is that it’s so easy to do nothing when you don’t have anything “forcing” you to go out and play. When I had the band or the gigs with Collective Hallucination, of course I did those. But now, with neither band pushing me, the only motivation to go out and play is that. I know some people are really driven, and will say music is their life, they don’t know anything else, will play any chance they can, but I’m not quite like that. Music is a huge part of me, but for whatever reason I don’t have that drive to play all the time.

Since then, I’ve been talking to one band about playing with them, or perhaps recording keyboards on some tracks with them. Some days, I feel like that would be no problem, but there’s part of me that wonders about whether I can live up to what that bandleader is looking for.

I’ve had another bandleader invite me out to his regular gig and sit in, and his music is right up my alley and interests (the other band is “merely” very close; I can hear the kind of stuff I would play with them in my head and I would enjoy that gig as well). I think it would be a real treat, pleasure and honor to play with this band as well as a lot of fun. But there’s the rub. I want it too bad and that gets me nervous about making an impression.

I want to say for the record, that when I talk about fear or nervousness, it’s not a conscious thing. I’m not sitting at home shivering in a corner, or biting my nails going “oh my god oh my god oh my god whatamigonnado???” Instead it’s more subtle and surreptitious. The fear finds ways to keep me from going out, doing jams, presenting myself as an available musician, etc. It’s only when I stop and think about what I’m doing or not doing and wonder why that I realize what’s been happening. Whether or not I liked it, I had to write this blog entry, because I need to kick this thing in the butt and do more than I have been. It seems to me that part of the solution is admitting that I have a problem, and say it out loud. The other part is where I’m not as sure. The answer may be simple and right in front of me, the infamous, “just do it.” So for one, I’ve contacted the keyboard player in the band I had the incident with, and asked if it’s still okay if I come to one of their regular gigs and sit in again like the first two times. If not, no problem, but I think feeling like I can play with them and that they don’t have a problem with my playing would help immensely. I also do plan on sitting in with the other bandleader that invited me. I might have felt the way I do about that one without the incident, so I just have to suck it up and play. I’ve done it before. As far as the band that may want me for some tracks, I’m just waiting for them to set up a time.

Again, I’m not really afraid, it’s just a hump I have to get over and have done a lousy job of trying to so far. Now that I’ve told you, it’s embarrassing and stupid to not do anything about it. You are all looking at me saying, “what are you waiting for? Do it!”

Posted 2009 08 07 at 2:06 PM

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