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The F Word

I have done a bunch of things in my life that I feel that I did without fear, things that others worry a lot about. These are things like take the SAT and the GRE, make presentations, get married, and even play gigs. In fact, I was so calm and happy that I actually enjoyed these things.

If it were up to me (and I know it is), this is the way I would do everything. Unlike some performers, I do not get off on those nerves. I’m not crazy about being uncomfortable before a performance, having nerves, jitters, or whatever else it may be. I would much rather be calm, relaxed, and enjoy it.

However, there are and there have been situations where I could probably be described as pretty terrified. In fact, there have been several cases where I outright choked. It’s really aggravating. Suddenly, something comes up and I guess I’m totally unsure how to deal with it. It is hard to describe what is going on in my head because there is so much that it is a jumble.

I did not realize the level of this problem until recently, and when I did, I realized how how much this problem permeates nearly everything I do in regards to music. It is what keeps me from playing something for people when they say, “go ahead and try my piano,” it is what screws me up when I blow a part at an audition or rehearsal and I need to fix it right then, it even affects my practicing. I am sure that there are things I do not practice when Lori is home because of it (which is really stupid because she’s always supportive and as a musician herself, she knows what it takes to practice and how bad it can sound before it gets good). Even when she is not home, I am sure there are times where I think of the ‘next’ thing I need to work on, and I suddenly decide to take a break from practicing, find something else to do, and avoid it.

I think the practice cases are manageable, but I wonder about the “performance” cases. I really do not have the slightest idea how to stop the jumble in my head when I suddenly encounter a new unknown situation. Obviously, the better I can play, the less those situations should crop up, but will my confidence build along with that, or will I continue to choke?

As I have written previously, I am trying to not worry about the future. What I am trying to do is figure out how to solve this problem so I don’t get caught out by it again. It is hard though, because I do not usually realize it is happening until it is over. I am thinking right now that the answer may be in the “detachment” that I wrote about previously.

P.S. The above post is a complete rewrite of the post I promised back in July about the issue I discovered about myself. So you finally got to find out what I was talking about.

Mon, 2011 10 10 at 9:00 AM | Permalink for this entry

Addiction

I mentioned in a previous post my Internet “addiction.” I am not sure if it is an addiction or just a bad habit. If it is a habit, it may have developed from some jobs I have had (including when I was working for myself as a web developer) where I was bored and did it to kill time. But I think the big factor is the stuff I talked about in that post, where there are reactions in the brain to that kind of stimulus. I am not making an excuse, just saying. It is funny, I do not have issues with addictions to anything else.

I would much rather be addicted to playing piano. I have been trying to figure out how to create that kind of response in myself to doing that instead. This is where I wonder about the “bad ego”  and judgement getting in the way of that. There is no judgement in surfing the web and reading stuff online. So I gain knowledge and get something out of it (hopefully or at least sometimes), and no one is saying that sucks or I am not good enough or whatever. It seems like if I can shake that crap when playing music, maybe I could get more addicted to playing.

Sun, 2011 10 09 at 9:00 AM | Permalink for this entry

Peace

As you can see from this most recent series of blog posts, I've been contemplating a lot lately. It has been pretty heavy, and at times, somewhat tiring. I've thought about giving up, or at least taking a break. I know deep down I won't do the former, and I might not do the latter. An important thing I've realized is that The Peace is in the music. I don't think about the future, where my career is, what I should have been doing all these years, etc., when I'm playing. I still need to push away the ego and really get into it when I do though. That's where I will find my true musical self. I need to let that out.

Sat, 2011 10 08 at 9:00 AM | Permalink for this entry

What Track?

Life is what happens when you are making other plans.

Last week, I read Ed Schipul’s post on the Chronicle web site about “Being on Track with Your Life.” I realized how appropriate it is to what I have been thinking about.

Also, I saw this on the back of Jane Lynch’s new book Happy Accidents, and I think it sums up everything.

If I could go back in time and talk to my twenty-year-old self, the first thing I would say is: “Lose the perm.” Secondly I would say: “Relax. Really. Just relax. Don’t sweat it.”

I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t anxious and fearful that the parade would pass me by. And I was sure there was someone or something outside of myself with all the answers. I had a driving, anxiety-filled ambition. I wanted to be a working actor so badly. I wanted to belong and feel like I was valued and seen. Well, now I am a working actor, and I guarantee you it’s not because I suffered or worried over it.

As I look back, the road to where I am today has been a series of happy accidents I was either smart or stupid enough to take advantage of. I thought I had to have a plan, a strategy. Turns out I just had to be ready and willing to take chances, look at what’s right in front of me, and put my heart into everything I do. All that anxiety and fear didn’t help, nor did it fuel anything useful. My final piece of advice to twenty-year-old me: Be easy on your sweet self. And don’t drink Miller Lite tall boys in the morning.

Fri, 2011 10 07 at 9:00 AM | Permalink for this entry

Mastery With Effort

I’ve previously recommended Kenny Werner’s Effortless Mastery: Liberating the Master Musician Within, and I still do. I’ve come to a point where I’ve made some decisions about it, though.

I think there’s a lot of useful things in there, but I don’t subscribe to all of it. As a person who doesn’t swim, I don’t like his metaphor about “drowning in the ocean” of sound or music or whatever. Ha ha. More seriously, I don’t buy into his idea of sitting there and watching my hands play and I’m not doing anything at all. I think there’s a balance between it just happening automatically and me directing it. I know when you think too much while you’re playing you lose it, I just think his description errs too much on the side of you not doing it all. But overall, I get his point. It’s about getting your ego out of the way so you can play. Not worrying about it and being in the moment. I think if Werner’s stuff helps a person find a way to that, it’s a good thing. I think his stuff is more positive and useful than not. I also think some of Werner’s techniques, like the learning diamond about how to practice, are good. I agree with his thoughts about the space you should be in when you play. I’ve discussed this with some other musicians, and different people have different ways of getting into the space. I think that is fine. What is important is what works for you. I think Kenny Werner’s stuff can open doors for people, and that’s a good thing.

Thu, 2011 10 06 at 9:00 AM | Permalink for this entry

Steve Jobs 1955 - 2011

Thank you Steve, for the myriad ways you changed the world, and for the way you've inspired us.

Wed, 2011 10 05 at 8:04 PM | Permalink for this entry

The Moment

This is the big one that all the others led to.

All the roads have led me here. All the philosophies, the goo-roos as I like to call them, the books, the nitpickers, and the sign I put up in my studio for a completely different reason.

Shut Up and Play!

When I’m really in the playing and practicing, I can’t do much else. It feels right. One thing music teaches us is about the fleeting nature of… everything. All you have is right now.

Life is a balancing act. With our big human brains, we can remember the past, and think about the future. But, it’s too easy to get stuck in the past and worry about the future. We have to learn to learn from the past without getting stuck in it, and to be ready for the future without worrying about it.

Shut Up and Play!

Playing music is a balancing act too. Too much thought and it crashes and burns, not enough, and, well, I’ve never had that problem.

Shut Up and Play!

Like life, music is balancing just the right amounts of consideration of the past, planning for the future, but being in the moment.

That doesn’t seem so hard, does it?

Wed, 2011 10 05 at 9:00 AM | Permalink for this entry

Did You Say You Might Give Up?

In the midst of all this, and during a discussion I was having over the course of a few days with another musician about it, I got an email newsletter from Cari Cole. Some of the stuff is interesting, applies, others not so much. This week’s email was about commitment. I was reading it and not seeing terribly much that applies to what I’ve been thinking about lately. Then I get to the end. She writes,

So you have an inkling.. a desire is born (rocket of desire, as Abraham-Hicks says). Don’t give up before you start. Just stand behind it – know that if you want it, it can be yours, but not without Effort – a lot of it. And ask yourself the question:

Imagine you are in your Golden Years looking back at your life and you never followed through on your desire to pursue your music. Could you live with that?

Without missing a beat, I immediately thought to myself, “oh god, no!”

So there you go.

Tue, 2011 10 04 at 9:00 AM | Permalink for this entry

Faulty Reasoning

I know that my arguments about the judgments or lack thereof that I have written or will write about in various careers are based on faulty reasoning, or that I have stated them poorly. Whenever you create something, there is always risk if it is to have any value. For example, what do you think the next iPhone will look like? Do you think there will be people who don’t like it, or things about it? Yet, at some point, Apple will have to take a risk and change the design of it.

Closer to home, I have had critiques and one particularly bizarre comment about my web site. I designed that from scratch, roughly basing it on a design of another site that I liked. Yet I put it out there and I am not too attached to the responses I got. The important thing is that I did it.

That’s really the point. I’m not sure why I am so attached to what I do in music. Creating a detachment from that would go a long way towards helping me progress. (Thanks Connie!)

P.S. The bizarre comment about my web site was simply this. “fyi. your beard looks photoshopped on the ‘contact’ page on your website” Here’s the link to the page if you are interested. I see why he thinks that after looking at it, but I would never have thought of that on my own. I mean, beard???

Mon, 2011 10 03 at 12:00 PM | Permalink for this entry

Judgement

Sometimes, I think about giving this all up.

Yeah, that’s an overreaction.

It really sucks, because of how much I’ve put into it already. But what’s interesting is what I think about doing instead, which is usually programming for iOS (iPhone). I realized what’s appealing about that is the lack of judgement involved in a career like that vs. music. Sure, there is some, but not like we think of with music.

I also came to this realization from another direction. One of the things I’ve been learning about in my recent studies is music theory. I know quite a bit about it now (though I’m sure I’ve only scratched the surface). I find it very interesting and love digging into it. I also often tend to practice a lot of technical stuff even when I have more practical things I should be working on. The reason for both of these is that there is very little judgement in these activities.

What this all means for me is that I need to fight the fear of judgement. There are multiple aspects to this. One is to be detached from those judgements. We have to realize that our worth is not dependent on how well we do things. (I know some may disagree, but this is how I feel or try to feel about it.)

Dr. Wayne Dyer put it this way.

I am a human being, not a human doing. Don’t equate your self-worth with how well you do things in life. You aren’t what you do. If you are what you do, then when you don’t…you aren’t. - Dr. Wayne Dyer

There is also the more practical side of this. How often do people really tell you that you suck? Even when one person does, they’re usually drunk, and no one else agrees.

Lastly, we all need to be kind to ourselves, as Kenny Werner reminds us in his book. Beating yourself up because you messed something up doesn’t really help you. I mean, if you’re going to get anything out of it, do something about it and move on. At least, focus that energy into creating something positive instead of spending it dwelling on what you did wrong.

Mon, 2011 10 03 at 9:00 AM | Permalink for this entry

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