Passion

Passion, turn to the left, Passion, right!

I've had passion for many things in my life. I documented some of these things as "dream jobs" in my first post. Over time however, I lost the passion for many of these things for different reasons.

When I was in college and got my first job, I studied and became a mechanical engineer focused on automotive engineering. I loved it. In modern times, cars have computers, so it tapped into my interest in that, as well as the hands-on mechanical aspect that I enjoyed. I like to tinker. But over time, I couldn't deal with the work situations under which I could do this. I still loved automotive engineering, in fact I still do. But good luck finding a job where the baloney, headaches, and politics are minimized to a reasonable extent so people can get on with their work. I understand that there will always be those issues to an extent, that's why I said "minimized" and not "eliminated."

Here's an example of this. When I was trying to move to Texas to be with Lori back in 1992, I had an interview with one company that was starting to develop natural gas vehicles. This was right up my alley as I had done projects with alternative fuel vehicles when I was in college, and of course there was the experience that I had developed over a couple of years being at GM. I felt like this job would be a really good match and felt pretty good about the interview since they had flown me down for it, paying for the travel and expenses. When I interviewed with the head of engineering, one question that he asked me towards the end was had I ever rebuilt an engine. The answer to that was no, I had not. He went on to tell me how everyone that was working in this small company was able to cover multiple areas and that they were looking for engineers who could do that, and thus I wasn't going to fit. Now, I should have said that while I hadn't rebuilt an engine, I was handy and capable of doing other mechanical work, and I'm sure I could rebuild an engine. I accept fault for that part. But he blew me off because I had never rebuilt an engine. He didn't ask me anything else about my mechanical skills or experience nor my willingness to try. He had one question in mind and if the answer was no, his mind was clearly made up. Why he didn't ask me this before they brought me down I will never know. But I later realized that it was a good thing that this happened. His closed mindedness would have been an issue later.

Another passion I had was doing my neighborhood newsletter. I had done newsletters before, but I really enjoyed this one. It was the first one I was able to do WYSIWYG on a computer (yeah, a theme, I know), and I was totally in charge. Don't get me wrong, there were problems, like the software crashing constantly and corrupting the file. I had to develop a routine of saving with multiple filenames so I always had something to go back to without losing too much work. There were the contributors submitting past the deadline or emailing me well after the deadline and asking for an extension. You can ask Lori, there was a lot of swearing coming from the room with the computer. But, almost every month, I was happy with what I was able to do.

What brought that to a screeching halt was what I call a draining of volunteer equity. Every person has an amount they are willing to do, and an amount of crap they're willing to put up with. This is true in more than volunteerism. I think I could have dealt with the monthly issues for a long time. But other issues such as hassles I got about the budget for the newsletter (which I had little or no control over) and some people threatening lawsuits because of opinion letters that got published finally burned me out. In fact, I was recently asked to reprise my role as editor of the newsletter for one month, and I really enjoyed it. That is, I did until one letter that was published that month caused a big stink, reminding me why I quit in the first place.

The challenge I am having now is to not let anything get in the way of my passion for the music. Music has been a lifelong thing for me, so I'm surprised I have been letting anything get in the way at all. But due to a conversation with a good friend, I realized I have been. I should be diving into everything musical with both feet, but I'm not. I'm letting myself get distracted from practicing as well as while I'm practicing. I'm not making an effort to get out and play blues jams. I'm being hesitant when people approach me about playing with them, and hoping I'm covering my reluctance.

This time, I'm not losing the passion due to anger, burnout, stupidity, disappointment about jobs, nor anything situational like that. I think it's the fear. The same fear I discussed in posts in August. It's a much subtler challenge to confront than the ones above, because it's all in me. It's blurring my own perceptions of what I'm doing or not doing and why. This is making it a hard thing to overcome. I'm not even feeling it's there 100% of the time. I do feel it sometimes, when someone asks me about playing with them, but I don't feel it when I don't practice as much as I should or I don't work on a project like a demo for a song I've written. But what else would explain my lack of interest in something I normally enjoy so much? To be honest, I'm not sure how to overcome it, except to find opportunities to play, build my confidence, and keep it rolling.

[written a little later]

Or maybe…

There could be another factor in play here. As I described earlier, I'm an engineer and a tinkerer. I like to get things done. One of my favorite feelings is that of doing something and being done with it, such as installing a new ceiling fan, replacing the kitchen faucet, writing a software program, replacing the cooling fan in the car, etc. Music is more nebulous. I can write a song today, but while the core of it may be complete, it's always changing, growing, responding to the performers playing it and where it's being played. That part of making music, songwriting, feels really good, and I enjoy the heck out of it. But as far as being a performer, there is always more to learn. There isn't a musician on this earth that cannot improve their playing in some way. Doing things like practicing doesn't really achieve much in the way of definite goals. It's an ongoing thing, a continual process with no end. Worse yet, it can be hard to see the progress. I got a little better at that today, and each day I get a little better, but it's only when you look back that you see specific achievements. Maybe this is why we focus on learning specific songs, so we can feel like we've accomplished something each time we complete one of those landmarks. When I practice on my own while I'm not taking lessons, I tend to not focus on songs when I don't have a band or performance to learn them for. Maybe I should change this.
___

Speaking of opportunities and working on specific songs, Ant is now reviving Collective Hallucination, and wants me in it. I'm looking forward to that. It will be interesting, because it seems like he and I will be the only ones left from when I played with him before. Even his long time partner and bass player B-Funk has moved on, so Ant is currently looking for a new bass player. I'm trying to think if I know any…

Playing with CH again will be good for me. It seems to give me that "if I can do this, I can do anything" confidence. At least, that's what happened before so hopefully it will again. Maybe the reason it did so is that I felt like I accomplished something each time I played with them. I learned those songs and was able to perform them.

I was contacted by a party/variety/cover band, but I turned them down for a number of reasons. They wanted a permanent member, and I'm not looking to make that commitment just yet. They play gigs once or twice a week on Fridays and Saturdays, and that would probably prevent me from playing with anyone else those nights. They do mostly or maybe all covers, which is fine but not exactly my thing. The band leader seemed cool about that, he said he's much more into a little experimentation and improv than getting the songs note-for-note, so that aspect could work. I didn't ask him, but I think he's looking for a keyboard player that's a bit more diverse than I am. I limit myself to keyboard sounds such as piano, organ, and electric pianos primarily, and I think he'd want and need other sounds like horns or strings depending on the song.

After talking with him, I hated to turn him down because he seemed like a good guy. He understood something we learned in Blue Funk a couple of years ago, that personality is as important, if not more important, than chops. He was okay with not getting songs note-for-note as I mentioned. He does music full time, and getting in with people who do music full time is something I think I need to find more of. That's nothing against those who do it part time for various reasons. Lastly, the pay for the gigs sounded really good. But the time commitment would probably prevent me from doing much else. I would hate and feel it was wrong to take the gig and decide it was not for me a few months or even a year or so down the road or leave because another opportunity came up that's more in line with what I want to do.

On the other hand, my friends in a local blues band asked me if I wanted to sit in at one of their gigs in a few weeks. Of course I said yes. I'm really looking forward to this, and I'll post more information about it when that date gets closer and more details are confirmed.

P.S. I know I changed the words to that song a bit. Sue me.

Posted 2009 09 10 at 2:26 AM

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